So I have one week till the new job, one week till my baby turns 6 (when the frig did that happen!) and one week till I turn my house from hell hole to organised style, ready to get the Christmas shizzle up!  Time to get s**t done.  There are 2 out of 3 things that are definitely gonna happen, and one I’d like to, but hey ho we’ll see.

Time to get s**t done…

It’s a funny thing starting a new job, especially at this age; but who am I kidding for me it always was.  The not knowing simple things like where the toilet is, how to work the photocopier, when you can make tea, can you have a kettle in your office?  For me it goes even further, it’s that dread of the phone ringing and having to answer, what will they ask, will I know who it is, how do I transfer the call.  How do I find my way around the building, what if I get lost…

For people like me the anxiety never goes away, the self doubt is always there.  Is it admitting failure to ask how to work the photocopier, will people think I’m stupid if I get lost around the campus, how do I admit that I’m not quite sure.

Time to get s**t done

What’s changed…

I’m a lot better than I was when I was younger.  Age (and actually parenthood more so) gives you the confidence to be able to view things differently.  I am no longer afraid to admit when I’m not sure, it still burns like hell but I know that most of us go through it. I realise now that it’s actually a sign of strength to admit.

However there are still certain situations that I cannot control, situations that make me feel completely insecure and shove me right back to being that 10 year old girl that no one was talking to, and laughed at, and prodded, and fought with at any opportunity.  Even at 42, I can still be transported back to the classroom in a second. To that first moment of being picked out and made a target.  That feeling of everyone laughing at you; of going home knowing you have no friends, but have to return the very next day to do all over again.

Bullying and whispering school kids in uniform
Julia Wheeler and Veronika Laws via Getty Images

Maturity…

The difference that parenthood and age has brought to me is suddenly being able to accept that just because it didn’t work out right, does not mean it was bad/wrong.  Just because I made a wrong step as a parent or in my career, does not mean I failed, it means I’m human. It means I learned something!

So I will welcome next week with gusto, I really am so excited to start working there.  My new surroundings and colleagues immediately filled me with welcome and comfort, I have to take this and accept it.  I am bloody good at my job and the inconsequentials will be forgotten about before I even know it.  I’m gonna try and welcome those new job faux pas’ as just part of life.  Everyone goes through it, I’m no different and actually I don’t think anyone cares?! Do they?…

how felicity finds signature